| Oh crap... |
[06 Apr 2007|07:23pm] |
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I've been thinking horrible thoughts...thoughts of suicide. It's always when I'm alone. I start writing suicide/goodbye notes in my head. I begin with a general one and then make personal goodbyes to individual friends: Kait, April, Ann...Nothing triggers it that I can tell. I've begun thinking of a day that would be suitable to "pass away". I'm afraid for myself and yet not afraid all at once. I want to walk the valley of death. I feel myself breaking apart slowly, piece by piece. I'm sick of the world's stupidity. I'm hollow; all substance has been drained out of me. I dare not tell anyone...why I told Meredith and attempted to tell Ann I don't know. They can't do anything...they're too far away. I want to fall asleep in someone's arms and feel warm and safe. Loneliness is draining me most. The sense of desperation is overwhelming. To be willing to forsake standards to be part of a team and make-believe I feel love completely disgusts me. I have to be stronger than this. I've survived loneliness for long periods...why the sudden weakness? Is there a deeper need that I'm not aware of or repressing? Is it a more carnal desire, a craving for the deepest physical intimacy possible? I'm lost.
Help.
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confused